What causes the fear of commitment in relationships

Origin of relationship commitment issues. What causes the fear of commitment?

Are you fammiliar with this feeling?

Lets immagine that we’re in a train at the station; there’s another train on the nearby track; and one of the two starts moving. We have not felt any shaking, no push, and we are just perceiving the movement optically because trains are leaving extremely smoothly and virtually quietly. We won’t know which of the two trains has departed until we learn from a stationary object outside that it’s our train that’s still standing while the other one has left, or vice versa.

This is a perfect illustration of how a person who has fear of commitment feels. He never knows for sure if what he feels, thinks or assumes, exists only inside and/or outside of him.

The origin of the commitment issues can be searched in the early stages of a child’s development. The lack of age-appropriate protection in early infancy, can lead to many insecurities and conditions which result later on in a fear of commitment. Such conditions might be:

  • Fear of losing independence;
  • Lack of communication skills;
  • Feeling of inadequacy and introversion;
  • Lack of trust in the surrounding world;
  • Excessive abundance of irritation in early childhood;
  • Growing up in an environment of immature adults.

If you are interested to find how these preconditions can lead one person to develop a fear of commitment and also a wish to live in solitude, read on the rest of this article for a deeper explanation.


Fear of losing independence.

When someone is terrified of commitment, they usually want to be as self-sufficient as possible. Not to trust anyone, not to rely on anyone, and not to owe anyone anything.

As a result, he maintains a distance from people and never fully commits to them. He sees any breach of this distance as a threat to his own dwelling space, and he protects himself against it.

Fear of attachment is a protective tendency used to avoid the inevitable connection that comes with existence.

Lack of Communication skills

Lack of communication skills.

The lack of contact with others, severe worldview crises at a young age, a lack of exchange of thoughts with others, and a lack of communication skills, eventually leads to substantial clumsiness in interpersonal relationships and particularly difficult sexual integration.

Attempts to reconcile the incoming desire with the fear of human connection frequently result in primarily non-binding, easy-to-break, or solely sexual partnerships.

Ignorance and lack of communication experience make responding to a partner’s caresses and kindness difficult, making the individual who is terrified of commitment feel awkward and helpless.

A person puts a gap between himself and others as a gesture of self-defense to protect himself from everything that can bother him and to cope more effectively with the world and life. It provides him with the assurance that he will not be diluted or run over by others.


Feeling of inadequacy and introversion.

A lack of desire or ability to commit could also be a factor in establishing this distance. Such individuals are sometimes seen as obnoxious or obnoxious. They are rejected, denied, and their identity is not accepted.

If a child does not meet his parents’ expectations and desires from the start, for example, is not of the desired sex, or has other physical signs that prevent one or both parents from giving him the attention and love he requires, he will develop a sense of inadequacy over time and will close in on himself.

Trust issues

Lack of trust in the surrounding world.

The child is absolutely helpless and reliant on his surroundings after birth. To be able to trust the world around him and find himself, this environment must appear appealing and trustworthy in the future.

A protective environment that provides a sense of security is required for the young child. All of this is important in order to develop bravery and lessen the worry that the environment would eventually destroy it.

If a child perceives the world as terrifying and untrustworthy at this young age, it will withdraw in terror.

Children who have been rejected and unwanted from the start, as well as children who have suffered early separation, are particularly vulnerable to such disabilities.

Children of too young women who are not mature enough to be mothers, as well as children left in the care of staff because their parents do not have time for them, fall into this category.

One root of fear of commitment is a lack of such attention in early childhood, while another is the overwhelming quantity of annoyance supplied by moms who do not leave the child alone and do not understand his needs.

Excessive abundance of irritation in early childhood.

Excessive abundance of irritation in early childhood.

In order for a young child to develop his orientation, his environment must exhibit some consistency, allowing him to progressively become closer to him and the child to turn to him with confidence.

The ability to trust is built on the ability to create intimacy. The child is unable to comprehend frequent changes in his caretakers, his environment, and sensory impressions (for example, prolonged loud sounds behind the radio and television, bright lighting, even when sleeping, frequent travel, and so on).

The restless environment, as well as the mothers who appear to breach the child’s need for peace and solitude by dealing with him too much, bringing him everywhere with them, and leaving little room for his own impulses, are other reasons for him to withdraw and close himself in fear and confusion.

Immature adults

Growing up in an environment of immature adults.

In addition to this environment, there is another one that places excessive demands on the child from an early age, causing him to become schizophrenic since it hinders his biological growth. This is a setting in which the child must navigate between highly unpleasant or immature adults who are incapable of dealing with their own problems.

Then, in order to avoid burdening himself with the already tense and unstable atmosphere, he must sense moods early and understand situations; it is not uncommon for him to take on the parental role for himself and for the parents, because he does not find support in them, as well as in themselves – in himself.

Of course, this is an endless over-requirement for a child; before he finds himself, he is thrust into a parental role, where he must show understanding to adults, think in all directions, mediate, understand, compensate, and thus fail to be himself at all; in this way, he must live the lives of others more than his own.

This not only robs him of his childhood, but also of his nature and self-confidence; the lack of solid foundation beneath his feet becomes his primary life feeling.

Such a person will try to make himself invulnerable so that he does not have to reveal his susceptibility to the rest of the world – yet vulnerabilities will always exist. How do you become invulnerable? He appears to go around the world as if wearing an invisible hat, unnoticed and anonymous, when he becomes impenetrable for sentiments.

One constructs a facade behind which no one can see, so that others are unaware of their true relationship with him. However, he gains the ability to intentionally direct and dose feelings to the extent that they are still unavoidable.

As a result, he questions them and learns to actively allow or exclude them, but he never leaves them on his own, as this may be hazardous.

In any case, the diseases under consideration have the following consequences: the child must guard and shield himself from the world from the start, or he will be dissatisfied. If he does not find a suitable mate outside, he returns to himself, and regards himself as a partner.

You may also find it interesting to read:

  1. How to overcome relationship fears?
  2. How to be happy alone?
  3. How alive or how dead you are emotionally?

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